Jun 18, 2011


So I survived Step 1 (well, I've made it like 12 hours since it ended, so my chances are looking good).

It proved what I already suspected: the extent of my medical knowledge is only eclipsed by...the extent of things I don't know about medicine.

That's my way of saying I don't know jack shit.

Anyway, it's over and I probably did OK. I mean, I feel like I failed massively, but I think that's normal. I felt that way during all my practice questions sets and I was really doing OK. I find out in about a month, and I think until then I will just repress all thoughts of the exam (oh, excuse me Step 1, I mean suppress).

Now on to clerkships. I start with Pediatrics, which is a terrifying thing because:
1) Kids are petri dishes- my stomach just cramped thinking about the fun viruses I am likely to pick up
2) I'm afraid I will accidentally break the little ones, somehow
3) Screaming baby otoscopic exams

Should be an experience. In the meantime I'm taking a vacation to Asia! Yeah, bitches. And I'm not going to think about medicine at all!

Jun 11, 2011

Step 1 Made Me Racist

Studying for Step 1 has made me a buzzword-recognizing machine. My brain is like a little medical landmine - one of those crappy, homemade ones - that gets tripped every time I hear something that sounds remotely like a buzzword.

"Blah blah blah roses," old lady at a table near me says, and suddenly my mind is full of Homer-Wright pseudorosettes, medulloblastoma, and neuroblastoma (oh my!). Some dude in the other window chair says, "Yada yada writing," and things like HLA-B27 and "can't see, can't pee, can't climb a tree" bounce around in my head.

Buzzwords aside, Step 1 studying has also made me TOTALLY racist (and ageist and sexist).

Every black person has either sickle cell or HIV. If you're a black woman, you definitely have sarcoidosis (in fact, as far as I can tell, the only reason to EVER do a CXR on a black woman is to see bilateral hilar lymphadenopathy).

If you're a young whitish female and you fell down? You have MS.
Teenage female with a bad attitude? Acute intermitten porphyria.
The right side of your heart is mentioned at all? IV drug user.
Mediterranean anything? G6PD deficiency. (And lay off those fava beans.)
White kid with a respiratory infection? CF, bitches.
Acting an aggressive fool, even if you're an old dude? PCP.

And I assure you, there is a pretty good chance that it is lupus.

Jun 7, 2011

The Brain

...cannot be explained by anything but magic. And not in a nice way, as in, "Wow, it sure is magical how awesome our brains are!"

I'm not going to be a neurologist, guys. I think I'll get a Harry Potter-esque wand for my neuro clerkship next year. Here is how this goes down in my head:

Attending: "Sassy, what causes Wallenberg syndrome and what is the clinical presentation?"
Me, waving wand vigorously: "Magic!"

Attending: "Sassy, what does this patient's CT scan suggest?"
Me, brandishing wand at image: "Magic!"

Attending: "Sassy, how in the hell did you get into this school?"
Me, flourishing wand: "Dark magic!"

Resident: "Med student, get me a cup of coffee!"
Me, stirring in creamer and sugar with wand: "MAGIC!"

They will love me. You have to admit the wand would be useful in the last situation.